Self fulfilment, one wedding, a birthday party, bedroom redecorate, possible Phd/Mphill and an upcoming hysterectomy.

It’s been a week or so, mainly because I’ve been crazy busy and the chance to sit down and catch up didn’t happen. Then it seems more daunting how to begin and where to channel my thoughts. As you know I had been feeling rather down, I got caught in the trap of where my life “should” be of course which means by societal standards. Which is usually a crock of shit. But it involves ticking various boxes, get a spouse, have kids, own a house, have a car, decent career, get a promotion, better car, live through your kids, even better car, fancy holiday. It never ends, it is a fools game, I realise this but sometimes still get sucked in, still feel my worth is not as much because as a carer I am not constantly ticking new boxes.

Any way I have a technique when I get in a fug, I tend to withdraw for a while and read, I focus on inspirational stories. People who have overcome obstacles, this could health wise or most recently abuse, poverty and many other set backs as was the case for David Goggins.

He is in his own words “a crazy motherfucker” not everything in his book resonated with me, but two things that really did were his ability to just keep picking himself up and his focus on self fulfilment. When did self fulfilment stop being important? Living a life to be personally proud of, which very rarely means having the best car because we all deep down know that while shiny things are awesome they don’t fill that deep well of satisfaction that doing something you personally find fulfilling does.

My focus from now on will be just that, on the matters that fill that deep well of longing for actual meaning, teaching Charlotte, spending time with family, seeing friends and it gave me the impetuous to start putting together a research degree proposal. There is a university that is showing interest, I will let you know more as and if there is more to know.

Tricky bit recently, I went to a wonderful 50th birthday party and a beautiful wedding, both I went to sober and sugar free. I have to admit that at the buffet I picked the things that I was fairly certain were sugar free and didn’t grill the bride on the matter. Would have seemed a little dickheadish really. But both occasions nothing but sparkling water passed my lips.

I did have a really tricky few days a week ago where literally all I wanted was to eat chocolate. I wanted nothing more than to dive head first into a family pack of minstrels and devour the lot. I didn’t but it was actually genuinely hard, which I know sounds bizarre but it was.

Onto the hysterectomy, I have after many years of bleeding heavily, painfully and sometimes for half a month had a hysterectomy arranged. My farewell womb date is 4th of October. I am seeing this as a positive step, I am already perimenopausal I really don’t need another five to ten years of heavy bleeding. Of course it’s not to be taken lightly, it is a major op but the consultant seems great, I was in hospital yesterday for biopsies on the endometrial layer which went well. I’m a little “stoned” feeling today and have a sore fanny but other than that all is good.

Which is why I have spent the past few weeks furiously re-decorating my bedroom, it was previously pretty bleak and if I am to spend a few weeks needing rest breaks the environment matters. Anyway thats us all caught up. I’ll post the last two weeks natural sugars tomorrow.

Quick update

Not been brilliant at blogging this week, life has been rather arsey and is continuing to be so.

I’ve kept up with the no sugar no booze thing, regardless even if I haven’t blogged about it. My cunning plan is to screenshot a weeks worth of my fitness Pal data tomorrow once the full 7 days have passed. Clever huh!

The sticky points this week have been resisting the urge to bury my face in cake when feeling rather heartbroken over a few things equally while resisting drowning myself in wine. It wouldn’t make anything any better, but, oh nice things, I don’t think anything will improve either to be honest. I’m in a situation where I can’t see anyway forward. That has made the desire to comfort with food or drink very strong. Food and emotions are very much intertwined.

I’ve started experimenting with making bread as I miss toast and all processed gluten free bread has refined sugar in. This soda bread made with half buckwheat and half gluten-free flour turned out ok but a little crumbly. I’ve tried again today with the addition of xanthan gum, once I get it to work well I’ll share the recipe.

The other tricky time was eating lunch out with my son and a lovely friend. I found a soup I could have but the temptation of the sweet stuff!!! Oh so hard. But if this year is to work I have to cope with the tough stuff without caving and socialise as normal without caving.

Jasper and I have in the middle of this otherwise rubbish week had some lovely dog walks, particularly at Beadnell. I spend more time than I use at Beadnell right now as eldest child has a job there that seems to involve a lot of me driving him there after missed buses.

Exercise has been plentiful and abundant, mostly CrossFit but I also turn on the “cardio” button on my Garmin when gardening. I want those extra calories!!

We had a runaway cat wise who went out then forgot to return for a couple of days. He brought us many dead birds as way of apology. I wish he wouldn’t. Little s**t!

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Day 24 – foot turning more purple!

This morning I taught Pilates, as well as homeschooling my daughter due to her health problems and studying for a Master’s part time myself I teach yoga and Pilates. I teach in some genuinely beautiful places and the students are such wonderful people. It’s honestly always a joy to go to work even when life is being sticky. It also reminds me that without exercise and mindfulness I’d probably not be coping at all. It is and has been for many years my sanctuary.

Exercise is rather tricky as my foot is gradually bruising more as breaks often do and rather sore after yesterday’s accidental walk! But I can still do a great deal of yoga and my coach is fabulous at planning around any issue. This is what I did today.

After cooking for my daughter, I did a little pre-reading for starting to teach Charlotte physics tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to that! Biology I’m very comfortable with, Chemistry moderately but Physics will be interesting! Thankfully her dad is a mathematician so any equations are his forte.

I’ve had a couple of people mention how well I look, which as I said in previous posts I’m not feeling any different but that could be due to stress. So perhaps the change in sugar intake and having a zero booze intake is showing on the outside.

Today’s food (only one picture! Sorry still not in the habit)

Breakfast

Berries, goat yoghurt, seeds

Lunch

Loads of veg, olive oil, roasted pine nuts

Dinner

Veg burger, salad leaves, olives, hummus and olive oil

Snacks

Dark chocolate and a banana

Total sugars