Not the best of days/weeks/months

It’s not been the best of times recently and today has just tipped me over the edge.

I struggle as I’ve talked about before with the responsibility of being a carer. I feel the weight of doing right by my daughter, by all my children so very much.

At the moment I’m trying to get her the help and support she needs to not only do well at GCSE but to be able to do A levels. Did you know there is no at home provision from the local authorities for A levels? It only goes up to GCSE. Disabled kids apparently don’t need to have a future or a right to university.

I have a few leads to follow on that and hopefully will get somewhere. But sometimes the fight just exhausts me. I am determined that her disabilities won’t stop her from achieving what she can but by god the world isn’t making it easy. Then there’s her upcoming surgery which makes me sick with worry.

Throw on top of that a few large unexpected bills (there’s the holiday savings gone) a parking mistake that led to a ticket and people being generally mean and I’m just done. I really do try to remain positive and count our blessings but right now I honestly just want to cry, curl up in bed for a week and be left alone.

I wish the universe would occasionally just give us a break.

Self fulfilment, one wedding, a birthday party, bedroom redecorate, possible Phd/Mphill and an upcoming hysterectomy.

It’s been a week or so, mainly because I’ve been crazy busy and the chance to sit down and catch up didn’t happen. Then it seems more daunting how to begin and where to channel my thoughts. As you know I had been feeling rather down, I got caught in the trap of where my life “should” be of course which means by societal standards. Which is usually a crock of shit. But it involves ticking various boxes, get a spouse, have kids, own a house, have a car, decent career, get a promotion, better car, live through your kids, even better car, fancy holiday. It never ends, it is a fools game, I realise this but sometimes still get sucked in, still feel my worth is not as much because as a carer I am not constantly ticking new boxes.

Any way I have a technique when I get in a fug, I tend to withdraw for a while and read, I focus on inspirational stories. People who have overcome obstacles, this could health wise or most recently abuse, poverty and many other set backs as was the case for David Goggins.

He is in his own words “a crazy motherfucker” not everything in his book resonated with me, but two things that really did were his ability to just keep picking himself up and his focus on self fulfilment. When did self fulfilment stop being important? Living a life to be personally proud of, which very rarely means having the best car because we all deep down know that while shiny things are awesome they don’t fill that deep well of satisfaction that doing something you personally find fulfilling does.

My focus from now on will be just that, on the matters that fill that deep well of longing for actual meaning, teaching Charlotte, spending time with family, seeing friends and it gave me the impetuous to start putting together a research degree proposal. There is a university that is showing interest, I will let you know more as and if there is more to know.

Tricky bit recently, I went to a wonderful 50th birthday party and a beautiful wedding, both I went to sober and sugar free. I have to admit that at the buffet I picked the things that I was fairly certain were sugar free and didn’t grill the bride on the matter. Would have seemed a little dickheadish really. But both occasions nothing but sparkling water passed my lips.

I did have a really tricky few days a week ago where literally all I wanted was to eat chocolate. I wanted nothing more than to dive head first into a family pack of minstrels and devour the lot. I didn’t but it was actually genuinely hard, which I know sounds bizarre but it was.

Onto the hysterectomy, I have after many years of bleeding heavily, painfully and sometimes for half a month had a hysterectomy arranged. My farewell womb date is 4th of October. I am seeing this as a positive step, I am already perimenopausal I really don’t need another five to ten years of heavy bleeding. Of course it’s not to be taken lightly, it is a major op but the consultant seems great, I was in hospital yesterday for biopsies on the endometrial layer which went well. I’m a little “stoned” feeling today and have a sore fanny but other than that all is good.

Which is why I have spent the past few weeks furiously re-decorating my bedroom, it was previously pretty bleak and if I am to spend a few weeks needing rest breaks the environment matters. Anyway thats us all caught up. I’ll post the last two weeks natural sugars tomorrow.

Better-ish

I’m feeling somewhat better today, Generally I actually love my life. There are a huge amount of positives, I adore where we live, I have a very close relationship with my kids because life have necessitated I’m around most of the time and although far from rich I never have to worry about food on the table, or a roof over our heads.

There are times however where I have to work at my mental health, I had to when Charlotte was first diagnosed with cancer and Cowden Syndrome and every time she has a scare. I’m going to have to now coming off the back of my younger sons very serious mental health struggles. In all honesty there were points where I found his difficulties and resultant ways of coping harder than Charlotte’s cancer. With cancer it’s terrifying but there is a very set plan of action and very specific planned outcomes of each stage. The professionals speak in terms of action and reaction and hoped outcomes. With mental health it seems that getting help in the first place is a nightmare and then it’s a case of throw things at a metaphorical wall and hope things stick. For two years in my sons case nothing did. Now he seems to have started to find his way out of the mire. I’m incredibly proud of him for that. Depression is a serious illness and like cancer takes lives. I think people often forget that. He’s doing amazingly to get through it.

Anyway so that leaves me with own brain a touch fried, in the past 3 years there have been more than one moment where I thought I’d lose my daughter to cancer or my son to depression, or lose our relationship.

In a nutshell I need to work on my own mental health, I need to focus in not out. The first step to this is to step away from social media. It doesn’t help, we all know that essentially it’s a highlight reel but even within that is the reality that most people have had an easier life than ours. Not all, I know some amazing strong people who have actually had it worse, but on the whole most families don’t have to deal with childhood cancer, or a youngster life threateningly depressed. Thank heavens they don’t I wouldn’t want them to, but equally I don’t always want reminded how much of a struggle our life has been in comparison and continues to be. My husband and I have often joked that the only break we get is a bone. It’s funny because it’s true. Dark humor for the win!

So I’ve a installed a block app on phone that allows access to Facebook and Instagram only once a day, that way I can check for notices by my gym, share work posts and then step away. Only my daughter has the pin to unlock the block app. If I miss that time period either I wait till the next day or have to load the actual laptop. Who can be bothered doing that?

This means all those spare moments on the loo or in waiting rooms will be filled with reading. I’ve taken this approach in the past and found it highly effective and beneficial.

I’m going to journal again,this is something I’ve also used in the past as a tool to focus on the positive and also found highly useful.

Most importantly I’m going to make time to see friends, this has always been the most helpful to me. To work on those real life connections. As much as I back away like a wounded animal when I hurt I need people. We all do.

Finally I’m going to accept that it’s ok to struggle, we’ve been through a hell of a lot in the past few years and my role has been to hold everything together and everyone up. That takes its toll on a person. Throw in perimenopause and crazy irratic cycles even with hrt and it’s a miracle I can hold a thought. Can I hold a thought? Not sure…what was I saying?

I’ve started this as my bathroom book it’s very funny.

Oh and on a totally different note I keep having “omg I had a glass of wine by accident or popped a piece of chocolate in my mouth, I’ve failed me challenge” dreams. Ugh Catholic guilt has clearly found a way to attach itself to this year!

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