It’s been a week or so, mainly because I’ve been crazy busy and the chance to sit down and catch up didn’t happen. Then it seems more daunting how to begin and where to channel my thoughts. As you know I had been feeling rather down, I got caught in the trap of where my life “should” be of course which means by societal standards. Which is usually a crock of shit. But it involves ticking various boxes, get a spouse, have kids, own a house, have a car, decent career, get a promotion, better car, live through your kids, even better car, fancy holiday. It never ends, it is a fools game, I realise this but sometimes still get sucked in, still feel my worth is not as much because as a carer I am not constantly ticking new boxes.
Any way I have a technique when I get in a fug, I tend to withdraw for a while and read, I focus on inspirational stories. People who have overcome obstacles, this could health wise or most recently abuse, poverty and many other set backs as was the case for David Goggins.
He is in his own words “a crazy motherfucker” not everything in his book resonated with me, but two things that really did were his ability to just keep picking himself up and his focus on self fulfilment. When did self fulfilment stop being important? Living a life to be personally proud of, which very rarely means having the best car because we all deep down know that while shiny things are awesome they don’t fill that deep well of satisfaction that doing something you personally find fulfilling does.
My focus from now on will be just that, on the matters that fill that deep well of longing for actual meaning, teaching Charlotte, spending time with family, seeing friends and it gave me the impetuous to start putting together a research degree proposal. There is a university that is showing interest, I will let you know more as and if there is more to know.
Tricky bit recently, I went to a wonderful 50th birthday party and a beautiful wedding, both I went to sober and sugar free. I have to admit that at the buffet I picked the things that I was fairly certain were sugar free and didn’t grill the bride on the matter. Would have seemed a little dickheadish really. But both occasions nothing but sparkling water passed my lips.
I did have a really tricky few days a week ago where literally all I wanted was to eat chocolate. I wanted nothing more than to dive head first into a family pack of minstrels and devour the lot. I didn’t but it was actually genuinely hard, which I know sounds bizarre but it was.
Onto the hysterectomy, I have after many years of bleeding heavily, painfully and sometimes for half a month had a hysterectomy arranged. My farewell womb date is 4th of October. I am seeing this as a positive step, I am already perimenopausal I really don’t need another five to ten years of heavy bleeding. Of course it’s not to be taken lightly, it is a major op but the consultant seems great, I was in hospital yesterday for biopsies on the endometrial layer which went well. I’m a little “stoned” feeling today and have a sore fanny but other than that all is good.
Which is why I have spent the past few weeks furiously re-decorating my bedroom, it was previously pretty bleak and if I am to spend a few weeks needing rest breaks the environment matters. Anyway thats us all caught up. I’ll post the last two weeks natural sugars tomorrow.