Not the best of days/weeks/months

It’s not been the best of times recently and today has just tipped me over the edge.

I struggle as I’ve talked about before with the responsibility of being a carer. I feel the weight of doing right by my daughter, by all my children so very much.

At the moment I’m trying to get her the help and support she needs to not only do well at GCSE but to be able to do A levels. Did you know there is no at home provision from the local authorities for A levels? It only goes up to GCSE. Disabled kids apparently don’t need to have a future or a right to university.

I have a few leads to follow on that and hopefully will get somewhere. But sometimes the fight just exhausts me. I am determined that her disabilities won’t stop her from achieving what she can but by god the world isn’t making it easy. Then there’s her upcoming surgery which makes me sick with worry.

Throw on top of that a few large unexpected bills (there’s the holiday savings gone) a parking mistake that led to a ticket and people being generally mean and I’m just done. I really do try to remain positive and count our blessings but right now I honestly just want to cry, curl up in bed for a week and be left alone.

I wish the universe would occasionally just give us a break.

Week overview of natural sugar intake.

I had the bright idea yesterday that rather than boring you every day (I still might) with what I ate and what sugars I took in that day I could use my fitness Pal week overview. So below you’ll find my total sugars for the week. Around 40g a day about the amount in a can of coke. Funny when you think of it that way.

I’m still sticking with my sugar free booze free intentions. Oh boy, if ever I was going to cave it would have been this week. It’s been hell, everything I was working towards to try and help my son wasn’t just undermined but ripped up and thrown away plus a wedge driven between we’ll never overcome. I’m now in one of those situations where it’s like when you’re looking at a broken plate on the floor. You can try and glue it but it won’t ever be useable again. What’s been broken is broken for good, trust works like that.

It’s heartbreaking but I’m going to try and focus on moving forward. We are looking into relocating as soon as we practically can. I just want out of here. Now. Honestly if I could pack a bag and leave tomorrow I would!

Until I can it’s just keeping busy, daughter and I had a lovely couple of hours doing just that at Bamburgh castle. If you ever visit Northumberland it’s one you must see!

Day 23 – More bike erg and an accidental walk resulting in extreme hunger!

I knew I was going to spend most of the morning driving my sons around. To make sure I had time for exercise I went to the gym for 8.30 to get half an hour on the bike erg in. Even if I’m limited in what I can do at the gym with the broken toes it always clears my head.

I was right about the driving too, by the time I’d picked the younger one up from Blyth and delivered him to Alnwick then driven the older one to work and myself and daughter home I’d easily covered 80 miles. Add in a diversion to Craster and I’m sure it was closer to 100. Not bad with two broken toes. Still not as far a my husband who is driving younger son to Peterborough to stay with his Auntie for a week. That’s a rather long way there and back in one day!

About the diversion to Craster, my daughter decided she hadn’t been to Dunstanburgh castle for a while. I assumed wrongly this meant she’d been, well ever. Wrong. Now at this point I’d been to the gym and driven around 80 miles, I wanted lunch. “Let’s have lunch at a pub” I say, “no” says Charlotte “we’ll go to a cafe at the castle”. Which turned out to be a mile and half from the car park. Normally, not a problem, with broken toes I was slow. Really slow. Anyway we finally get there. No cafe, just a shop, filled with chocolate and sweets. Wonderful. My lunch consisted of a packet of crisps and a bottle of water, until I arrived home much later. Thankfully I didn’t eat my daughter or the dog. It did after a few easy days remind me how tricky being sugar free can actually be. It’s not all banana ice cream and cinamon! Gorgeous views though.

Today’s food in words and pictures (yes I remembered to take photos today!)

Breakfast

Oats, cinnamon, small apple a few grapes

Lunch

Crisps

Later lunch

Roasted cauliflower slices, fine green beans, feta, olive oil and black pepper.

Dinner

Strawberries, apple, raspberries, satsuma, kiwi and cacao nibs in a fruit salad with creme Fraiche.

Snacks

Dark chocolate

Total sugars

Day 9 – Father’s day pie, struggling with life stuff. Charlotte and POTs

Father’s Day, which 2/3 of our children basically forgot. The one with a job hastily threw money at the problem… literally. The one without went for the time old classic “it’s lost in the post” oh his great great great great grandfather would be proud. Apparently the old ones are the good uns including with excuses. He then turned it round to he would be able to prove this but he couldn’t because evil evil mam had confiscated his phone and he only has access to that email from his phone. Not from a computer. For reasons. Of course. The girl had bought father’s Day stuff probably the day after last year’s father’s Day just in case. She’s going to be one of those folk who finish Xmas shopping in April and wrapping by May.

It’s looking likely that Charlotte throwing up, violently, All day was in fact due to Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. A quick read on the webs and it seems this indeed can be a thing with POTs. We need to see someone about this as she was in a real state. Which left me 80% worried about her and 20% feeling guilty as I had social out out plans that I’d wanted to keep and couldn’t. One of the tough things about being a carer is feeling guilty if you ever feel disappointed. Of course the sick person had it worse and that’s where the guilt comes from but it’s tough not being able to make plans and stick to them. People who haven’t been in the situation or one similar simply don’t understand, they think you’re just unreliable, flaky or making excuses. After a while a lot of people just stop inviting you. Which sucks. But it’s part of living with a chronic illness or caring for someone with a chronic illness. I still wouldn’t change my girl for the world.

Food in words and pictures

Breakfast

Berries, goat yoghurt cacao nibs

Lunch

Shepherd pie – homemade with turkey mince, carrot peas, chicken stock, potatoes, sweet potatoes

Dinner

Home made popcorn with salt, cocoa, made with cocoa powder and unsweetened almond milk

Total sugar

Today’s exercise

A dog walk into Alnwick centre around it and back home. Fun fact where we live has a large castle Alnwick castle and the town use to reside within a wall. The street either is named Bondgate Within and Bondgate Without.

This is the old gate

A little thing on the way home made me happy, these lovely yellow flowers.

Then it was a yoga plus CrossFit session

Day 7 – 1 week down, 1 finished tattoo, 1 wet run and stock cube stress

Morning

Well it’s safe to say my digestive tract has noticed the extra fibre. I won’t go into too much detail but don’t want to be too far from a toilet at the mo. I’m sure that will settle down.

Today is an exciting one, I’m having the tattoo of the Goddess Isis on my right forearm finished off. First I need to run and get some uni work done. Oh please let it be dry on the beach, I’m sick of rainy walks and runs this week, fairly sure Jasper dog feels the same especially after yesterday’s walk where his belly willy spent a significant amount of time in cold muddy water. He’s really not keen on his silly belly willy being submerged, he does this weird arch back to try and pull it out of water which is hilarious.

Later today

Well it’s safe to we weren’t lucky as far as avoiding the rain goes. In fact dog and I were drenched. My coach Hesus wants me to keep my heart rate down as I extend my run time. I’m rubbish at pacing so at the moment I’m doing 2 mins run 45 sec walk to drop my heart back down. Seems to be working ok. Although wet and windy it was still an enjoyable 5 miles up and down the beach. I tried to get a cute photo of me and dog at the end of the run, you know like other people do. I failed entirely so here’s one of me looking wet and drunk (not actually drunk of course, red eyed from the rain) holding an unhappy dog in the rain.

Suprisingly though my recover and heart rate generally seem to have improved vo2 max wise and according to Garmin my fit age is 26 well as I approach my 46 birthday in a few weeks time I’m happy with that!

Later, later today my Isis tattoo is finished and I absolutely love her

It’s also just such a cool little shop

https://m.facebook.com/elementaltattoopiercing

Today’s food in pictures and words:-

Breakfast

Squished avocado with a bit of chilli and paprika on Nairn’s crackers.

Lunch

Roasted chickpeas, quinoa cooked in various spices, salad with apple, cashew nuts and lemon with olive oil dressing.

Dinner

Stuffed mushrooms (adapted from the Deliciously Ella original cookbook). I add spinach leaves and passatta. (Slightly burned today! Oops)

With grated and slowly stir fried veg, kinda a veggie bubble n squeek or cauliflower rice with other stuff if you’re a hipster.

Snacks

Salted popcorn, cocoa with unsweetened almond milk and chilli powder.

100% dark chocolate

I had a really argghh moment when I wanted to use a stock cube and couldn’t. I just wanted to make stock dammit. I need to find some sugar free stock. Then another when my husband brought home jelly beans from working away, I soooo wanted a jelly bean.

He did bring me back some Mandela tea though which is an interesting concept. Can you imagine a Margaret Thatcher tea? Would have to be a very traditional strong with milk. No sweetness allowed, or untraditional milks

Total sugars etc