Days 19, 20 & 21 – hospital stuff

Today’s day 21 which marks the end of the first 3 weeks of this challenge. As I said before I’m not sure if I’m feeling any actual benefit with all the stress going on, but then that’s not the point of it anyway. The point is to raise awareness of Cowden Syndrome and money towards research.

This morning Charlotte had an appointment at the breast clinic, she with Cowden Syndrome has an 85% lifetime risk of breast cancer, with the risk getting higher as she gets older. Her oncologist found a couple of new lumps in her breast and sent her to be checked. It is also quite common for teenagers with Cowden Syndrome to have fibroids in their breasts. So it’s most likely nothing serious but I will worry like crazy until we get results back. I always do. My daughter was incredibly brave as always, by the time they had taken 5 core biopsies from 2 lumps I was shaking inside and fighting to stop it from showing on the outside.

I hate that she has to go through this. I had one of those moments today where I realised how use we have become to the abnormal. I said to the nurses attending to my daughter that she and I were looking forward to when she was old enough to have a double mastectomy. She looked horrified, she looked like she could cry. But it’s true. To her her breasts are just a source of worry.

My son has been found somewhere to live away from where we are. Everything I have read on addiction and breaking the cycle says the person has the best chance if they are away from the places and people they associate with their addiction. I hope it works. Of course he could go looking for a new dealer at his new location. If that’s the case there’s very little anyone can do. I wonder if any of this would have happened if my daughter hadn’t had cancer, or did this all start when I was up and down to hospitals.

I find the reality of him actually moving out heartbreaking, for all the difficulties my family has faced we have always been close. We’ve always had each other, now one of us will be missing.

Today has been one of those days where the knawing hole inside my chest feels like it’s becoming so big I will simply disappear inside it.

As it was a hospital day it was mostly eating out. I don’t actually find eating sugar free out of the house that desperately difficult. A snack at Costa was fruit, lunch at pret a protein box without the sauce and at the cinema black coffee and nuts. Eating out sugar free really is keep it simple and not have the dressing. Coffee wise either black or skip the chocolate in a cappuccino and have cinamon, it’s genuinely lovely.

My daughter and I had a pleasant spot in the day when we went to the new Everyman cinema in Newcastle which really is beautiful. Sofas and tables plus being allowed to take an actual ceramic cup and saucer into the cinema! Oh the civility

Total sugars today and the past few days as I hadn’t blogged since Tuesday

Finally a toe update, yup it’s broken which is seriously annoying especially as the gym is my sanity. I found some two sizes too big shoes in Primark for my swollen fat foot though that should allow me to use the bike erg which is something!

Day 18 – beach yoga, coffee and thinking about birthday cake.

I went to a beach yoga class which turned out to be a bootcamp and although I’m sure it was perfect as far as bootcamps go I hate group exercise generally. I know you’re thinking “why go to a yoga class then?” well because to me yoga is different, you’re doing your own practice around other people. It’s a hanging out but seperate vibe. Group exercise is all that “all in it together” mostly humiliating myself being crap at running kinda stuff. Also because I was expecting yoga I turned up in my vans and ended up having to go barefoot or ruin vans and think I broke my toe on something. Still it was beautiful scenery.

No my little toe isn’t normally this fat

I’ll definitely go back if it’s good weather next week and will be yoga but if it’s overcast and likely to be “bootcamp” I’ll just practice at home I think 😂

On the positives for today I had some really lovely support from a couple of old friends, one I met for coffee and the other via the phone. But I felt that very special thing where you genuinely believe someone is there for you. Which is lovely.

Things aren’t any better with my son, in fact I’d say worse. I’m hoping he’ll get the help he needs. Or should I say will take the help he’s being offered. We met today for a chat with a counsellor, it was so awful I think it will be many weeks before I feel comfortable even sitting in a room together again.

Food wise I forgot to photograph today but it was a fairly bland just get food sorted day.

Breakfast

Oats, apple, dates

Lunch

Corn cakes, butter, cheese

Dinner

Falafels, salad, grapes, natto,

Snacks

Dark chocolate

Total sugars – virtually all from 30g of dates this morning

It’s coming up to my birthday and I’m pondering what to do about birthday cake, shall I allow rice syrup as some of the “sugar free” gurus do because it’s glucose and the evil bit is apparently fructose. Or should I make a whole load of raw cakes which would probably all basically taste like banana or date or banana, date and avocado. Any thoughts?

Day 16 – exhausted

I’m having a rather exhausted morning and had planned on a fairly lazy one, then I discovered I actually was driving my eldest to work…again. Which is over an hour there and back. Oh joy. After dropping him off Jasper dog and I went for a short run on the beach, it’s not one we’ve run on before and although beautiful wouldn’t be my first choice simply because it’s so busy. I quite like to have no people when I exercise, it’s headspace time. That sounds dreadfully antisocial I realise! It was a pleasant short plod, though I do wish I would occasionally feel like I’m progressing with running. It never gets easier and I never get faster! I do always feel better for it though.

This evening I’m watching Bohemian Rhapsody with my daughter, I’ve seen the film before and love it so I’m really looking forward to that!

Today’s food in words and some pictures!

Breakfast

Grapes, blueberries, yoghurt and cacoa nibs

Lunch

Corn crackers with cream cheese and baby corn.

Dinner

Chicken korma – banana, coconut milk, and chicken breast with poppadoms and brown rice.

Snacks

An Ella ball thing and 100 dark

Total sugars (all unrefined)

Day 10

I arrived in Musselburgh for my mediation course with my daughter (who didn’t want to be at home) at around 5. We were both tired and hungry, really really hungry. My brain isn’t working either..stress little lowers my iq to that of pond weed. Thanks to the wonders of Google maps we found a co-op and bought the most sugar free things possible, which ended up being a really random bunch of stuff, but it means I had food for this evening and for a packed lunch tomorrow.

Tired but I need to try and get my head together though for the practical week of my uni course that starts tomorrow.

Today’s food, just in words

Breakfast

Boiled eggs, corn crackers, butter

Lunch

Corn crackers, cheese, butter.

Dinner

Bread buns, Coop egg mayo, coleslaw, cheese, salad, raspberries, cashew nuts

Snacks

Date bar, dark chocolate

Total sugars

Really low for today as I haven’t had a chance to eat properly so no veg etc.